New Year; “Do Not Fear.”

Hello all! It is a frigid day, snow is dusting, yet again, and we are already halfway through January?!? Unbelievable. I know it has been nearly a month since my last post and that is also unbelievable. We JUST put up our tree, and wrapped our presents, and set out for our Christmas journey… and somehow we are already home, back in school, and looking toward the light at the end of another semester. But, no matter. We were happy to say goodbye to last year and ready to start off another with a little skip in our step.

We are only 16 days into January but let me update you as to the happenings so far. (And there are some big ones.) Firstly, I finished school as of last month and am officially on a job hunt!!! Well sort of. Actually it is more like a job “stalk” as of now, but let me explain. Ever since I began school to become a medical assistant, Bryan and I have been going down different trails as to what type of office would be ideal for me to work in. We have thought through everything from ER to family practice, to pediatrics, to oncology, but the one field has always stuck out to us is dermatology. Odd, I know, but it has always been a thought in the back of our minds literally from the start. The hours seemed good, interesting atmosphere, ever-evolving environment, and… there is an office right close to our apartment that we have long since labeled the “ideal place to work.” 🙂 We have never seen anyone at this office but we just latched on to it for some reason or another. Anyway, I completed my resume last week, sent it in to the career services department at school, and within a day there were 3 places interested in looking at my resume. One of which, the dermatology place just down the road! A coincidence? No way. So we sent them my resume, I filled out an online application, and now I am waiting to hear back as to whether or not they would like to interview me.

Now if you’ve been around me at Christmas, birthdays, or any other occasion where there is any gift giving involved, you know that I HATE waiting to give my gifts to people. Some call it impatience, but I like to look at it as a lack of ability to delay joy. I also hate to delay the joy of opening my own gifts because hey, I just love to be happy. Now I have been looking at my potential job as a BIG present from God and not just one that is going to give me joy, but one that will also be wrapped in a pretty bow of a much needed income, insurance, 401k, and the stability that has definitely been lacking from mine and Bryan’s life. Needless to say, my lack of ability to delay joy has been at an all time high this past week so, I decided to do something about it.

I had filled out my online application this past Friday and when I hadn’t heard back from them by Tuesday, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I got out of bed, cranked up my workout playlist, and was going to pump myself up to head over to the dermatology office, find the hiring manager, and let them know how much I would love this job. So there I was, almost ready, halfway through “Moves Like Jagger” when my phone rings. It was an 859 number and I immediately just knew it was the dermatology clinic going to ask me for an interview, and I thought, “How convenient, I’m already dressed.” So I answered the phone and upon saying ‘hello’ I hear, “Hi Kailen, this is Dr. Feddock with your results from your PET scan last week.”…

Suddenly, I was hearing things like “I’m sorry,” and “not good news” and “do you have any questions?” So yes, it is what you think it is. Apparently my scan last week showed that while the original spots invaded by cancer look great, there are three new metastases that have shown up. Two are in my spine, T12 and L4, and the other is on my right ischium, basically my caboose. He said the spots are not huge but they aren’t insignificant either and they need to be addressed asap…. NOT at all the phone call I was expecting. After I hung up the phone and turned off the music, I sat on the bed and stared at the wall. I wasn’t thinking and I couldn’t even begin to process what this was going to mean. I sat there for a while and then I found myself staring at our wedding portrait hanging in our bedroom. I saw two starry eyed people smiling at the camera. I saw two naive children who had no idea what “in sickness or in health” was going to mean in their marriage. I saw another lifetime and one I could barely remember the feeling of. Then all I could hear was God saying, “Do not fear. Do not fear. Do not fear.” And I have not stopped hearing Him say that since that moment.

So… it seems that once again, just as things are about the normalize, they are all just falling apart again. It seems that I am going to have to stop my progress and put everything on hold again. It seems that I cannot catch a break. And it seems that life has dealt me a pretty cruddy hand just as I thought I was in the clear.

Or so it seems.

I won’t say that I am happy about this or that it didn’t shock me and come out of nowhere, because it did. But I will say that this time Bryan and I are not going to allow cancer to dictate how “normal” our life is. Things are not going to fall apart because God is my foundation and He is THE rock on which I stand. I will not stop my progress or put anything on hold because “suffering produces PERSEVERANCE; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” I may not have been given much of a break but I am stronger now than I have ever been and will fight with more hope and peace than ever before. And even though this really is a pretty cruddy hand, God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness, He will never leave me or forsake me, I will fight a good fight and finish the race, and I will rejoice in The Lord always. Again, I say, rejoice.

“The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is LIFE and PEACE.” Romans 8:6

I don’t have any other details about my treatment options yet but I am seeing my regular oncologist tomorrow to make a game plan. Till then, obviously your prayers for Bryan and I are much needed and appreciated, and I will keep you updated as we find out more information. Love to you all!

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9 thoughts on “New Year; “Do Not Fear.”

  1. hello to my Friend.. For some times now I have been keeping up with you on your blog, Remember this ,,,,,,,,I will continue to lift you up in prayer and to remember God is still in control!!!!! I have had shoulder surgery and now confined to my wheel chair no way to ever walk on my crutches again soooo you see life sure isn’t easy,,.I say if anyone can overcome this you surly will… some times when you get down please pick up your phone and call me. I remain your Bro. in Christ!!!!!! don colyer 865 376 5695 home 865 382 3747 cell May God richly bless you.aman

  2. Kailen, your faith and your perseverance to continue to trust God and go forward are a great testimony of God’s grace in your life. We continue to lift you and Bryan up in prayer.

  3. Keeping you and Bryan in our thoughts and prayers as you continue this journey! Praying for strength, courage, healing and perserverence! Your blog inspires all who read it!!! Your faith sharing encourages us to hold onto Christ as our rock through life’s storms!
    Blessings and abundant prayers!!

  4. What a strong woman you are! I work with Lesa and she is a dear friend of mine. Please know that you, Bryan, your doctors, and family are in my prayers, as well as great prayer warriors at our church will be praying. Thank you for sharing your Faith and strength!

  5. Hi Kailen! This is Martha and Lee saying hello and our prayers will continue to be lifted up for you and Bryan. What a blow this must be to you guys but we know that no matter how hard the storm winds pound, your God centered resolve will see you through for nothing can stand against our God. You are so right, do not be afraid. You are His beloved, engraved in the palm of His hand. May every cell in your body be made well from the top of your head to the tip of your toes. In the meantime, may the joy of the Lord be your strength. We love you and yours. Hope to see you soon….The Hamilton’s

  6. You are always an inspiration to me, because fear is exactly what I would have in your shoes. I love what you said about not letting this dictate your life….I’ve come to find that we are dictated not by things like the jobs we have, but more by the company of people we keep and the choices we make. Rest assured you are keeping some of the finest company (God) and making one of the finest choices-to stay strong.

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