Double Edged Sword.

I’m writing today because I know I need to. For some reason, the way I process things best is through writing it all out. Works out great for you huh? 🙂 I don’t know why it is; God just made me that way. I can think and think through things all I want. I can talk and talk through things with someone all I want. But I never reach conclusions and full peace through any other method of processing that compare to the way I do when I write it out. So here I am today, I’m writing it out.

I didn’t post anything last week to let you know but I actually had a PET scan and MRI’s done as a part of my check-up care. I had a PET scan on Thursday and then a full set of MRI’s on Saturday. Bryan and I then came home from Louisville to celebrate Easter and to have a day of resting and then it was back to Louisville yesterday for my monthly appointment with my oncologist and to get the results from my exams.

Obviously Bryan and I have been praying like crazy for the scans to be 100% clear. It is spring, the time of new life, summer is approaching, we are starting the 4th and final year of pharmacy school!!!, I have been feeling better than I have ever felt before. The only other thing we wanted that would make all of that better was an all clear report from the scans. And I know lots of you have been praying for good results as well and that made us feel even more confident knowing we had our prayer army at our back and storming the gates of Heaven on our behalf! Who wouldn’t be encouraged by that?! So we went into our appointment fully confident and already claiming the good news we were going to receive from my doctor.

We checked in, got back to the room, in walks my doctor and I knew as soon as I saw his face. And then he said the words we had wanted least to hear. He said the words that haven’t stopped  repeating over and over in my head since.

“Your numbers are up and your scans don’t look good.”

“Your numbers are UP and your scans DON’T look good.”

“YOUR numbers are up. And YOUR scans DON”T look good.”

My heart stopped. He went right into showing us my PET and MRI’s and explained exactly what they saw going on.

Apparently there are several more spots throughout my spine and hips in addition to the spots that were there in my bones previously. They aren’t huge but they are definitely showing up on the scans, and the fact that anything is progressing when we’ve already taken so many steps to prevent anything getting worse is very concerning. I was on hormone suppressors, I was on hormone blockers, I had my ovaries removed, and I’m still taking a drug for hormonal therapy. And yet, my body is still somehow finding a way to try and kill itself. Why? We don’t know.

I know that sounds harsh but that is the truth. There is something in my body that is trying to destroy me and so far, we haven’t been able to fully suppress it. It’s a sobering thought and today I have had a lot of that “ew ew get it off of me” feeling that I had before with the tumor in my breast. Only this time, I can’t really imagine them removing my spine so…


8 thoughts on “Double Edged Sword.

  1. Praying for you! You have been an inspiration to me as I am awaiting testing for bone marrow cancer. We can do this!!! God’s not finished with either one of us yet!

  2. Continuing to pray for you! What a bummer. I believe God is in control & for some reason the time for your complete healing hasn’t come yet. Keep your thoughts on Him & give Him the glory. I’m sure this is very difficult. I believe God doesn’t make mistakes. This may not make sense to you now but He has a reason.
    In His love with continuous prayer

  3. Kailen, Mr. Lee and I are storming the gates of hell on your behalf! Most importantly, Jesus is standing firm interceding never sleeping victorious on your behalf. This battle is won and Satan’s tactics of discouragement cannot prevail against our Almighty King of Kings. You, being His daughter, the beloved of The Great I Am, is faithful. So thankful that you are His and nothing can snatch you from His hand. Keep your eyes on what is not seen, the divine mystery of this will be revealed and in the meantime…trust and live to the fullest. You’re an inspiration to our family because of your deep abiding faith in the One Who Loves You. Prevailing Prayer for you and Bryan is on our lips and heart. Thank you for writing. I love you so much my sweet one! Mrs. Martha

  4. We will not quit!! We won’t give up!! We will continue to storm the gates!! Why? Because we know who OWNS the keys!! Stand strong Kailen!, and if you can’t right now, we will hold your arms up and stand for you!! We love you! Praying!!
    Karen and Bill Krebs

  5. I can’t imagine what you’re going through – but I know WHO is with you through it – and for that I give praise. It is such a witness to me to hear your strong Christian commitment coming through in spite of the discouragement. God honors you for the faithful life you’re living. I will continue to pray and pray and pray for you!
    Mrs. Lucas (Lucy)

  6. Continuing to pray for you with this scripture always before me…”Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly (continue to) draw near (er) to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in good time for every need! -Hebrews 4:16

  7. We are praying for you sweet girl! God is in full control and his plan is much greater than we can ever know! We must remember that while we can’t possibly understand why your scans don’t look the best, He has a plan. He holds you in the palm of his hand and I know that he has a special reason for this trial. Please know that many are interceding for you and Bryan. All our love, Ashley (Buchanan) Parr, Andy Parr and Grayson Parr

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