I’m writing today because I know I need to. For some reason, the way I process things best is through writing it all out. Works out great for you huh? 🙂 I don’t know why it is; God just made me that way. I can think and think through things all I want. I can talk and talk through things with someone all I want. But I never reach conclusions and full peace through any other method of processing that compare to the way I do when I write it out. So here I am today, I’m writing it out.
I didn’t post anything last week to let you know but I actually had a PET scan and MRI’s done as a part of my check-up care. I had a PET scan on Thursday and then a full set of MRI’s on Saturday. Bryan and I then came home from Louisville to celebrate Easter and to have a day of resting and then it was back to Louisville yesterday for my monthly appointment with my oncologist and to get the results from my exams.
Obviously Bryan and I have been praying like crazy for the scans to be 100% clear. It is spring, the time of new life, summer is approaching, we are starting the 4th and final year of pharmacy school!!!, I have been feeling better than I have ever felt before. The only other thing we wanted that would make all of that better was an all clear report from the scans. And I know lots of you have been praying for good results as well and that made us feel even more confident knowing we had our prayer army at our back and storming the gates of Heaven on our behalf! Who wouldn’t be encouraged by that?! So we went into our appointment fully confident and already claiming the good news we were going to receive from my doctor.
We checked in, got back to the room, in walks my doctor and I knew as soon as I saw his face. And then he said the words we had wanted least to hear. He said the words that haven’t stopped repeating over and over in my head since.
“Your numbers are up and your scans don’t look good.”
“Your numbers are UP and your scans DON’T look good.”
“YOUR numbers are up. And YOUR scans DON”T look good.”
My heart stopped. He went right into showing us my PET and MRI’s and explained exactly what they saw going on.
Apparently there are several more spots throughout my spine and hips in addition to the spots that were there in my bones previously. They aren’t huge but they are definitely showing up on the scans, and the fact that anything is progressing when we’ve already taken so many steps to prevent anything getting worse is very concerning. I was on hormone suppressors, I was on hormone blockers, I had my ovaries removed, and I’m still taking a drug for hormonal therapy. And yet, my body is still somehow finding a way to try and kill itself. Why? We don’t know.
I know that sounds harsh but that is the truth. There is something in my body that is trying to destroy me and so far, we haven’t been able to fully suppress it. It’s a sobering thought and today I have had a lot of that “ew ew get it off of me” feeling that I had before with the tumor in my breast. Only this time, I can’t really imagine them removing my spine so…