Once again, I realize I have left you for far too long after writing a “less than stellar news” post. Looking back at that last post, I think I must have written that in a rather down moment without even really finishing it before I posted! I was certainly very discouraged thenand I see now that I probably should’ve waited to post anything till I wasn’t feeling so negative… Except that hey, that’s a part of life isn’t it? You get bad news and guess what, you feel pretty bad for a while! So never mind. I say it’s perfectly ok that I posted that and there is no need to hide it. At any rate, I’m just pleased that today I can write and be in a completely different place than when last I wrote. No hiding necessary for today is a good day.
Currently, Bryan and I are one week into his second pharmacy rotation! We are back in Lexington for this rotation but the last one was in Ohio County (where Bryan is originally from). We were there for the last six weeks enjoying some wonderful, and long overdue, time living with his family. While I could blame my absence from posting on the fact that Ohio County is out in the middle of nowhere, I will not. Ohio County is out in the middle of nowhere, however; the main reason I took a break from posting was because I was so enjoying life in a different environment, living with family, and escaping from health stuff as much as possible. Also, I never know what to post when we go out of town. I want to share with you all when we get to enjoy time away from home, whether it be vacation or visiting family; but I am aways leery of the whole “robbers reading your post and attacking while they know you’re gone” thing. So for now, you will just get out of town updates in hindsight I suppose 🙂
Anyway, like I said, we are back in Lexington and enjoying the summer as a normal couple who isn’t a slave to pharmacy school! Bryan wakes up early, works out, we enjoy coffee and breakfast together, he goes to work, he comes home, and we do NOTHING school related in the evenings whatsoever. Praise God. I keep waiting for the moment when he looks at me after dinner and I know he has to go lock himself away in the office to study till the wee hours of the morn, but it aint gonna happen! It may take a while for me to get rid of those dreadful flashbacks of being a “blocks widow” but I think I’ll be able to adequately suppress it in due time.
So what are we doing health wise? Last I wrote, we had some no so good news from the PET scan so after that, I started on a new medication and have been getting my tumor markers checked regularly. The medication is an injection that basically just keeps the estrogen in my body from binding and feeding the cancer cells any more. We have suppressed, depressed, prevented, and rebuked any estrogen in my body as much as we can so we are praying that this medicine combo is finally doing the trick. The downside however, is that the injections are a huge pain in the rear. Literally, they are two HUGE shots in my rear that leave me waddling for the next few days. The normal about of fluid injected into the buttocks is about 2-2.5 mL and these shots are a whopping 5 mL each of very viscous, or thick, fluid. It takes about 30 seconds just to push each shot in and I think that by the time it’s over, it hurts the nurses thumbs almost as much as it hurts me! Almost.
The bright side to the injections is that, so far as we know, they are working! Thank you Jesus, they have helped to lower the tumor markers in my blood work significantly!! Now the test is to see what the scans show. I had a PET scan done yesterday but because my doctor is out of town, we won’t know the results till this coming Monday. SO, be praying that the scans show NO cancer and that the cells have been shrunk down to absolutely nothing. That is what we are praying for.
Now, I feel like I have something I am supposed to share. As I am writing now, I have a song playing called “The Rock Won’t Move” by the Vertical Church Band. I have been playing this song on repeat for the past few weeks and man, it makes me tear up every time when it gets to this one part. So much so that I even have to be careful listening to it while I’m putting on makeup because crying and putting on mascara do NOT make for a good combination! But the part I love the most is when they sing,
“On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand. The rock won’t move. No the rock won’t move.”
I absolutely bawl! It puts the true perspective of this live so clearly into focus that I become ashamed of myself for being so quick to forget just who my God is. So much so that I have to cry and ask God’s forgiveness every time, even when the song has repeated 30 times!
God IS the rock. He will NOT move. He will NOT falter. He will NOT make a mistake with your life. He will NOT forsake you. And He will NEVER forget you. Even when we are so quick to forget who He says He is.
The beginning lyrics of this song go as so:
“When the ground beneath my feet gives way, and I hear the sound of crashing waves. All my world is washing out to sea. I made it safe in the God who never moves. Holding fast to the promise of Your truth. You are holding tighter still to me.”
This so accurately describes what I feel in my life sometimes and what I know everyone has felt at one point or another. Something happens in your life. Divorce, a death, cancer, job loss, betrayal, depression, a break up… whatever it is, it feels like the very ground you walk on has just crumbled and fallen apart. You feel like waves of hurt, anger, doubt, loneliness… are all crashing on you over and over like the pounding of ocean waves. It happens. But then you have to ask yourself, if it feels like the ground of your life has crumbled and fallen away, then what are you really standing on? If God is the rock who never moves then what “rock” were you standing on in place of God?
It’s so easy to do. You feel like God is your rock and the foundation of your life but is He really? Some people replace God with things that are outwardly wrong like partying, sleeping around, drugs, the wrong friends… but there are SO many other substitutes that people, and especially Christians, use to feel secure. Some of them are even good things but they still are not God. What do you stand on? Do you look to your family, your kids, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, church, job, money? None of those things are bad in and of themselves but when you make them your foundation, the Bible says they become nothing but sinking sand. They will all let you down at some point or another and the only way you will find yourself standing on a firm rock is when you stand on God Almighty.
I’m not saying the waves will stop hitting you because obviously, as in my case, cancer still happens. But the difference is I know when I am placing my footing on the Lord and when I am not. When I put my faith in medicine and doctors and then I get bad news, I feel like I’m being swallowed by sinking sand and the more I try to figure it out, the more I sink. But when I am standing on the one and only true foundation in all of the universe?… wave after wave of cancer, negative blood work, bad scans, surgeries gone wrong, pain, frustrations, long recoveries, and more can hit me all they want but guess what?! THE ROCK WON’T MOVE!
“The rock won’t move and His word is strong. The rock won’t move and His love can’t be undone. The rock of our salvation.”
I pray today that the Lord may show you what “rock” you are attempting to stand on instead of standing on Him. And I pray that you may readily and humbly accept that no other “rock” will do. No matter how hard you try to stand on anything other than the Lord, you WILL repeatedly fall on your face. So save yourself the metaphorical concussions and simply surrender to God. Funny thing about God is the more you surrender to Him, the more and more sure your footing will become on Him and He will be your salvation. I pray you will find your footing.
I will let you know any news from my PET scan should we find out anything sooner than Monday. Till then, give the song “The Rock Won’t Move” a listen by the Vertical Church Band. Put it on repeat for a while and I hope you enjoy and learn from it as much as I do. Just watch out for the bridge, it’s a tear-jerker!